Being right makes me superior

Today I continued with Craig Nakken on power issues. The first half of the book is about addiction and how it progresses and how an addictive personality develops. The second half, or at least for as far as I have come is about the pleasure and power driven versus driven by meaning. Where as the last thing is the good thing 😀 So it’s more about healing. And that’s good, I want some.

I started the second part about a week ago and never continued. Couldn’t read it. The words just made no connection in my head, could not understand it. When reading books like these I am very aware of situations like that because mostly it means that I’m taking off and don’t want to learn what it says. Traps, traps… The subject was about power issues. Hah. I got stuck on one of the diagrams  because to me it does not make sense. But he is very, very good with words so I finally stopped trying to understand his diagram and I could read again. He might have drawn it like it is just to fit on the page. Tricky things to say in a subject concerning power issues 😉 but I got stuck on the diagram for days so hey I put it out here.

The first half of the book was already mind-boggling because EVERY SENTENCE was applicable to me.  Here I am, feeling all not normal and way too special and then there are at least 60 pages written 1988!!!! and it is me on a platter. The second half of about 60 pages is the same, only some parts of the pleasure driven person do not seem applicable. I have always drank my mood from below zero to zero, so it it felt more like self medication than pleasure but maybe I should read that part again. I am big on the grieving and that comes with the pleasure driven mode.

Today I read 25 pages on the power driven person. These were so intense that I went to bed and slept for 2 hours after reading. 🙂 I learned a lot. During the reading I am continuously aware of  ‘how does this information connect to my energy, body, thinking, intentions’. But somehow I have not remembered a lot, was not a brain-brain thing maybe. Might need to read it again.

The only thing  I do remember is: people who are power driven are convinced that being right makes them superior to others. Which is exactly a sentence that I have used I think 10 years ago no, if not longer, to describe the family I come from. The right fighting attitude does wonders for your scores at school, but that’s about al.

Went on a lovely evening out with friends. Booze is everywhere and today my old habits kicked in. I saw it was 22:00 o’clock when we parted and I thought: ‘Shit, just missed the openinghours of the supermarket, now I have to go to the shop with the late hour opening.’ Well, I never finished the second half of that sentence but the first was there. I notice I am getting a little bit more relaxed with drink think. But there is a curiosity in that which I don’t like. It is the one leading up to: ‘I have been such a good girl, I might as well give it one try to see what I miss.’  I know that from stopping with smoking.

I’m trying to find an answer to that which is not ‘AND YOU SHOULD NEVER DRINK AGAIN STUPID BITCH HAVEN’T YOU LEARNED FROM ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE WRONG?!?!?!. IF YOU WANT  TO WASTE YOUR LIFE YOU CAN DO THAT BUT NOT IN THIS HOUSE!!!!’

Looking at this I think both the curiosity and the berating come from the addict. So this is what it looks like.

‘Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself  too much or berate yourself either.’

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