Hiding not drinking

Apart from my GP’s, my therapist and people from a detox clinic I have not told anybody that I had a drinking problem. I have decided to start speaking in past tense because I feel that helps me keep that door closed. I keep on thinking that I HAVE TO make sure that I mention that I realise blablabla that I have a problem with addiction because I have this addictive character. That’s because there might be some people of the above list reading this :-D. About addiction: right now I’m into blogging… and getting the hang of living in the clear. I actually vacuumed a second time within a week. Guess I need to watch that ;-).

The reason that I keep my drinking and quitting secret is because most of my friends work in the same industry as I do and a lot of people in that industry know me. I would never ever get a job or an assignment again if the word got out. Also I don’t want people nagging, calling, checking, being forcefull in their approach, getting suspicious once you try to get away from that. Brrrrrrrrr. Nobody would ever trust me again. That might be projecting stuff. NOPE: try googling ‘Can I trust an ‘. See the results below. Gheghegheghe, the first is ‘real estate agent’. Gheghegheghe…  I love Google autocomplete.

trust

 

It seems that a wish for secrecy is part of the addict behaviour. I believe that about the second part of my reasoning but not about the first. Do you trust people with your finances? I trust people, up to the point where their interest outweighs the common or my interests. Or is that saying the same as ‘I love you if you do what I want you to?’ Dunno. I don’t think I have a trust issue. My intuition is very well developed when it comes to trust / I have this PTSS and all of my senses are out there trying to spot danger. You choose :-).

Because I have less social contacts than most, and work on my own I could get away with drinking heavily without people noticing. That was how I got to rock bottom in about 4 years after my last relationship finished. Also, I did not drink a lot on social events, yes, always 1 glass more than the rest but that’s the difference between 1 or 2 or 2 and 3 glasses in an evening. And people know I never eat deserts, this is were the 3rd beer fits in. (hear, hear, how to defend the drinking habits). After that I would go home and drink the rest of my stock. It took me a while to find out that if it had been a good night with real explorative (is that a word?) conversations with meaning, love and closeness I would drink up to 75% less. Drinking afterwards felt as betrayal to the person I had been with.

Since my last boyfriend kindly pressured me into drinking again after being sober for half a year I started to let go of friends and other contacts that drink too much and would be commenting if I would stop drinking. Reading this it is actually funny to notice that I did care about myself. I never knew. New. I’m not only doing this because I got scared shitless while rock bottom. There is also part of me that loves part of me and cares. Crying happy tears now.

There’s an unexpected turn of events. 🙂 🙂 Well, I did write all the below already when the above revelation came upon me. So after this intermezzo back to the hiding of drinking.

Now I should be looking to meet up with more people, be connected. I know it is healthy and I feel that too. Currently trying to find out what is keeping me from getting in contact. It actually feels strange but I think it is a pattern of ‘no long commitment because I need to get home on time to get my share of booze’ is getting in the way. Very strange to find that this pattern is so strong because it is ‘only’ from the last 4 months of my life.

But there is one big good thing to doing this alone-ish: having a social life that is less interesting that ALL the other bloggers makes is soooo much easier to do this without the fear of ‘being found out’. And having your friends say that you are ‘boring’ because you don’t drink?!! How awfull! I’ld ditch them! Having a partner that still drinks while you have a addiction problem? Not sure how I would deal with that. Well, I have dealt with that once before and I lost. I guess it is all possible because alcohol is such a widespread disease, the whole drinking world has got it. Did I tell you that my way of overcoming any addiction is to go all radical?

If it were heroin somebody was addicted to and the husband would keep on using while the mom is getting clean, everybody would be all over him. But it’s booze and nobody wants to know about it. 😦

So much for tonight. Tomorrow I should do stuff. Thank you for your interest and have a nice night, or day for the New Zeeland reader. 🙂

 

 

 

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