Walls down

Not proud of myself. Lashing out towards my GP, even if it is sort of anonymous, why? Why do I feel so threatened? It is not a ‘did I feel so threatened yesterday’, well, obviously I did, but I know this feeling. It is a general thing. I need to look into this because addiction happens where things get funny, awkward and painful. Realising that I have not dealt with feelings like this for years, if not my life. Drank them away.

My sobriety is a new thing. Walls have fallen down, I am vulnerable and that is good because I need to without walls to rebuild me. Knowing that I am so breakable is why I choose my moments to leave the house with care and take care of whom I see, speak, mail. I need to take care of myself.

If it were my choice I would not have met the GP, or anybody that I am not close to. It was my choice but I did not want to cancel because that looks so addicty, like drawing away from help.

So much of the walls have fallen and no, I’m not developing some street anxiety, just taking care of myself until I have found some firmer ground. I am not scared that I would start drinking again. I am scared because I have no defence meganism anymore, things hurt. Not walking half-numb through town, everything hits me even harder than it did. The good thing is that it recognisable now and at times it does not stick with me because I continuously notice what’s going on. Or take time afterwards to check back.

While I’m out I constantly have to make choices in what I see: people drinking at a terrace – keep out of system, alcohol advertising – keep out of system, people air kissing each other giving false compliments, no connection – keep out of system, new terrace, people drinking – keep out, man on the pavement drinking – keep out, alcohol advertisement – keep out, favourite bar – keep out, bar where I met love – keep out, kids playing happily – let in, happy dog – let in. wholesome food – let in, other favourite bar – keep out, men arguing – keep out, mother yelling at kids – keep out, terrace peek check who’s having tea – nice, drinks – keep out, kids fighting – keep out, red light district – keep out, baby crying, mother hitting it – keep out, DON’T INTERFERE, NOT NOW, drinks on terrace – keep out, kids walking with a sixpack of beer – keep out, alcohol advertisement – keep out.

I always wonder how other people deal with this. The keeping out of drink think is not the problem, the keeping out of the dirt of the city is.

Need to get this fixed :-D. Well, have been trying to fix this with beer for years. Maybe I should move back to the country side. Maybe if I had not been drinking I would have made that decision while I still had the money to follow up on it. 😦

Ha! Got something: I feel vulnerable at the streets because I think everybody can see that I quit. Hence: I must be an alcoholic. And I feel guilty about having been addicted to alcohol (I’m not denying here, just using past tense to NLP it behind me). But nobody has to know. And most likely: they don’t give a shit. :-).

Happy that I quit again.


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