Power issues

Day 10

Power issues. Need to go see my new GP today. Things running through my head. Having all these discussions where I say this and then she says that, blablablabla. Notice that I am trying to force the discussion up front. Force? Up front? Discussion? Not ‘conversation’?

Becoming aware of the power issues that I have is awful. Well, it is very good, and very needed but it feels so awkward. I don’t connect, I try to intrude, enforce my way. Nasty, nasty. 😦

I am scared that the GP will doubt me while I’m actually doing fine and I am confident that I am on the right road. I am scared people don’t believe me because I have walked away from the programme, which of course is very, very addicty thing to do. Well I think I am on the best track that I can have. Would like some encouragement from the outside, but that would also confirm that it is ‘so very difficult’ while in fact is it not. Well sometimes it is. But the despair of drunken nights wanting ‘it’ all to stop is still clearly in my mind and I don’t want to go there anymore. 80% Of my problems faded away DIRECTLY after not drinking anymore. We shall see. This is how it is, what I am, how I do it. I am on a good road now.

It is momentarily difficult to speak because I am in this power issue process, becoming aware of my nasty intentions of wanting to force things to my hand. That makes it difficult to act because I have am so new to this sober territory and doing things sober. I never drank during the day, but being sober is something different than not-drinking. I feel like I have to learn everything new, even biking feels strange. Things aren’t automatic anymore. I know for sure that I should not be driving a car right now.

Funny  how I try to walk away from ‘controlling habits’ while immediately trying to cover my ass, trying to make a bond, force readers to be on ‘my side’. I expect people to be anti-me, so I manipulate or use more force. I don’t want that. Let’s see how things go.

This is Dolly Parton’s cover of Stairways to heaven, she changed some of the lyrics. This is one of my favorite songs, appropriate currently with the ‘working to get to heaven’. And yes, there’s is a very, very cheesy aspect to my taste in music.

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