Constant vigilance

Day 10

Visited the new GP, weird conversation. I was trying not to ‘make in impression’ and use ‘power tools’ to make a statement, try to keep a check on the ego. Well, that didn’t work and apart from that: I couldn’t even finish a sentence. It does confirm to me that one needs at least a little bit of ego to come across or walk about in the world. Or maybe I set myself and her up to fail because I’m secretly (?) pissed of with her. Bull, I couldn’t finish a sentence because I was too chicken and too confused to say what I think because since I have been labelled ‘addict’ I think people doubt everything I say.

She doubts if I am on the right track because I do this on my own without a certified addict specialist. I’m now struggling why I find her doubt so hurtful. And than there’s that ego thing that if she hurts me I should get even, or at least prove she was absolutely wrong. Ha, let’s call it what it is, I’m not struggling, I am pretty pissed off because I find it fucking irritating that somebody doubts me!!! (I statements only… ;-)) And…. I do think it is important to work out the whole why of it.

First, I am not irritated, it started of with confused, moved to scared and only after that I got to pissed off and defensive. She could have said ‘congratulations on stopping’. I would have liked that (powerthingy language game, call her not nice without saying that? Trap, trap). But her whole attitude felt like she thinks I am destined to walk the wrong walk. (assumption trap). And with that doubt and her continuous ‘it is not getting sober, it is staying sober’ speak the road to drinking is textually opened up again. That irritates me because it is an image that I do not want at a place where I did not expect it.

Ha, got it!!! These doubts opened up possibilities that I took in without checking and the made me think drink. I should practice:

                                   

Let doubt not enter my system; keep it out with the same determination as drink think. The road to Booze is closed. Not closed until October, or closed till the new safety rails have been put in place. It is CLOSED. This is where that rule of laws of attraction works; I should not think ‘I should not drink’ because it keeps my focus attached to ‘drink’. Instead of that I think ‘I am free’.

                   I AM FREE AND HAPPY!!! (and crying)

Jason Vale says; be happy that you stopped. It could be considered a stupid mindfuck and it is, it is a brainwash technique. But if there’s brainwashing to be done I prefer this one over ‘oooh, have pitty on me because I stopped.’ or ‘drink because it makes you look cool’. Funny thing is, when I brainwash myself to happiness, I immediately don’t care anymore what the GP said. Isn’t that strange.

So, today I stumbled over my power thing, tried to reinforce the power thing in a blog, wrote 20 pages in which I was right and got righter by the minute, the GP was evil (sorry 😦 ), then deleted 19 and did some ‘ahaa Erlebnissy thing’ in the final page and tarted it up with a gif and realised:

       The only thing I can do is filter what comes in.

Sounds very familiar….

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