Thinking of filling my new found time with a study into dreaming. Looked up some interesting courses and decided to buy a book up front, second hand, just to check out if I like it. This brought me to a house in the centre of the city today. From being all serene-ish at my own place, candles, yoga and incense to the red light district of this touristy city; past bars, past exotic coffee shops, past drunken tourists and finally getting stuck behind a line of smelly garbage trucks, all at rush hour.
10 Days ago I would have hated it, and loved it. Now it was good practise to stay out of the sleazy, dirty undertow. And that’s what it was, good practice. Still marvelling at how deep the addiction runs. It’s in my cells. It is unfortunate and it is up to me to free myself. That is what the ayahuasca spirit told me years ago. I asked her about the future and she said; ‘The only thing you have to do in your life is to get clear.’ Me whining: ‘But what about the rest? Blablabla?’ ‘No, don’t go there. You know what you have to do.’ Me: ‘It is so difficul-hu-u-u-ult’. She: It is not about difficult, it is about doing what you need to do.’ My ayahuasca spirit is a tough bitch :-).
Also, up to now, glad that I did not sign up to some sort of program. Maybe I will in the future but I am, at moments, quite ok with the progress I am making. At the end of the day I’m glad to be going to bed when I want.
Still haven’t paid the bills though. Did meet people and spoke with friends. Yeah, I also tried loving and connecting without being afraid that somebody is not trustworthy, without holding back. It was on the phone, but hey, I’ll just start in a small way. I think it counts. It’s new. It was great. 🙂
Now I can ponder on how truthfull I am with not telling them about my current process and past abuse. But the answer to that will come when it will come.
If anybody is reading this I wish you a good day and night. Here it is time for bed.