Dreamed again, loads of dreams, 4 seconds about booze. A friend and I walked into a grocery store to get dinner and she grabs a bottle of booze. Saying ‘I love this soooo much!’. All my drinking mechanisms start working immediately and I feel a craving coming up. Cut out the thought at the very first second, breathe, organise internally. And then it hits me, and don’t laugh, it is soo obvious, but totally NEW for me: She can drink, but I don’t have to.
I ran out of groceries, so I have to get into the world today. Which is good, practise in real life in stead of in my dreams.
And a little update on the physical side of getting sober. About weight; day 1 I gained 1,5 kilo, still there at day 2 and 3, and from then on I have been losing half a kilo per day. It’s all water weight I guess, having to do with not drinking. I’m a little less stiff today and the moist between the joints of my hands and feet is slowly, very slowly disappearing. Today is the first day I feel less fog in my head than I have done for years. I think, due to the diet that I kept with loads of omega fats and vitamin B’s I never actually had a lot of hangovers, only when I was young. Blame it on the diet, it could very well be that I’m so used to drinking that I did not get hangovers anymore.
Ooh, yeah! My eyesight has improved. This could be because I sleep better but I somehow feel that it has to do with my focus on ‘wanting to be clear’. Also my focus has improved a little, still getting tired easily but I guess that will fade with the cleaning of my liver and me getting more physically active.
The biggest change is in my mood though: gone is the despair, gone is the depression, gone is the, well, partially gone is the guilt and the shame, the feeling of banging my head against a wall, being in a deep dark pit with no, no way out. I am proud that I made this change, happy that I did it and all in all, if I have had 10 * 1 second of craving per day that would be much.
Don’t read if you don’t want to know: Toilet habits have changed as well which is a good thing because I fear I did get mall nourished due to years of diarrhea. My tongue has gone all scalloped at the edges which is one of the signs of mall nourishment. Nasty, nasty. My mom had that before she developed cancer so this scares me a lot. It’s one of the reasons that I wanted to quit.
Today, well, today, it is time to get back into the world and organise myself a little. Let’s see how to do that and keep sober.