In a ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!’ kind of way.

Day 4

2 Persons have read my blog, not sure if they finished, but somebody found it! Now I’m starting to feel responsible for what I put out there. That is a funny thing, feel like there is a trap in that. Like I’m automatically trying to tune into The Other. The trap is in losing me and then trying to wash (drink) away the feeling of being lost.

It’s day 4, I slept from posting the 2nd post to 10:30 this morning, woke up once to drink water. Normally I would wake up 10 times in the night. I dreamed all kinds of stuff. One part of it was being at a university in Japan where this tall, blond, muscular, male, handsome, young student was wasting his life on booze. Always funny how I dream about myself, well I guess the student was me as well, in pictures that are the total opposite of how I look. He gave me a glass of heavy liquor but it looked like water. He did it on purpose because he thought I was an arrogant bitch and wanted to break me. Noting some issues with aggression and self hate here? I spit it right back in his face and then flipped a massive table over him (turned the tables?) in a ‘YOU, SHALL NOT PASS!’ kind of way, ghegheghe. But one thing I did not do is break the double bind, he still has me caught in his despise. Need to read up on that, repair myself. Or maybe: I still despise myself for drinking. I do.

The guy sought me out because I was insecure, felt like I was trespassing in a world that was unknown to me but known to everybody. Much like any school I went to actually. He got a double bind on me in seconds. Forgot how he did that. Or maybe the feeling of being an alien is enough to make me shrink. ‘If you are them, if you are with them, they will not hurt you – thought.’ Nasty system fault.

I noticed that I take giant steps internally through this writing. That’s part of my character that needs looking into. There’s a trap in not being able to stand still and feel the moment. Part of it is that I have nobody to speak with about getting sober. I was in this medical intake process but it somehow did not feel right. And then I noticed that ever since I started the intake process I only felt worst and worst. I figured out it was because I had given my Initiative away and got this ‘I am a patient, only The Other will make me better’ thought over me.

When they did not call me at the day they said they would I felt like they thought I was not important enough. So I stopped drinking by myself quite probably to prove that I could do it. Should I apologise for this childish trait? Not sure.

Yes, I know, major trap number 1 there: ‘You hurt me so I don’t need you and I can do it better myself anyway.’ Note to self: the hurt only happened because you placed yourself in their hands and gave up your Initiative. I have an issue with connecting, can’t balance it, but now disconnecting is helping me to set my own personal energy boundaries again. With the help of Jason’s book feel through every lie that is within me and out there to see and mostly feel how it enters / entered my system and made me drink. During the reading I would spot where the lie would attach to my thinking and energy and chuck it out, close the door. I’ve seen these words ‘practising the sober muscle’ somewhere online. I guess that’s what it is what I did before I stopped and then I stopped. It is part of how I feel my way back into life.

Still need to decide on what to tell the intake people.

The way I see it now is that I have taken what is my weakness ‘not connecting’ and turned it into a strength. I did exactly what I did not dare to. I thought I was going to die or at least be taken into hospital at the weirdest hour of the day. I have this motto, it’s a bit long (like the rest of what I write) but it goes like this; when you want something but are afraid to do it, start with that what you are most afraid of.

That was part of my decision and of course, and this is a bit dangerous… Jason said in his book that the effects of withdrawal are minimal if you get some good nutrition in you. I actually don’t think he should be saying that, but he was right in my case / I made the case right. For me it worked out fine. But, but, my blood values were good to start with AND I have this strange sensitivity that I can sometimes feel stuff and ‘know’ stuff about health – which is the thought that helped me trough the last 3 days but actually it might as well be a very fake idea of coping that I made up myself. You never know… But it worked for me.

DISCLAIMER: what I write below is NOT meant as medical advice. I’m not a doctor, non of this is in any way meant as medical advice, it is just written down to inform you of my thought process during my detox. Please consult your GP or addiction doctor to discuss detoxing.

What I did is I felt my way through the detox. Detox as far as my knowledge goes has to do with 5 things:

  • Mineral balance of potassium, calcium, sodium (mostly in too high supply anyway), magnesium, phosphorus and zinc.They arrange the communication of molecules between cells. It they are out of balance, all your systems go wrong.
  • Lack of vitamin C, D and probably A, E, B something, called Thiamine, general lack of any of the vitamin B’s.
  • Making sure my sugar level are correct / if breath, sweat or pee smell like acetone the shit hits the fan. Not good. Up front I told myself that this for me was a point were I would call a doctor. But in fact I did not, I immediately ate some grapes and All Brans with milk and got by.
  • Serotonin overdose. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that connects brain cells. If they become too high a brain starts to connect like crazy and that can actually make people psychosis crazy. Not good. I slept a lot, it calms me.
  • Omega 3 and 9 fats, we seem to get plenty of 6 anyhow. The brain wallows in Omega 3 fat and funny enough all our food is deprived of it and alcohol wears omega stocks down so I eat loads.

If I felt a tiny lightning in my brain I drank water with Celtic Salt which is a special salt that contains all the salty minerals. I ate 2 tablespoons of sesame seeds per day, chew to paste and swallow for calcium. Started of the day with 1,5 pint of home juiced vegetable juice made of celery, apple, ginger, cucumber, a lemon and some carrots which is generally good, they cleanse and bring minerals in the correct balance in your body. During the day I ate 2 handfuls of walnuts and almonds for minerals and vitamins, about 5 dried apricots for potassium, 1 spoon of cod-liver for vitamin A and D, several multi-vitamin pills, several multi-vitamin B pills, some beer yeast pills, some maria-thistle pills to cleanse the liver and some All Bran cornflakes with milk when my blood sugar would feel like it got of track. Next to that I ate ecological pork meat when I felt like it because that is a very good source of al kinds of vitamin B and while drinking I noticed that it has better results than nuts and pills on tremors. Also, when my brain would feel like it overworked I took 2 spoons of flax-oil. I also had about 5 cooked potatoes, 3 servings of wild rice with avocado. And I ate cheese, but that’s just because I like it. I should have eaten chocolate as well but I incidentally bought the milk version in stead of the extra pure so that was only going to make me fat and not add a lot of Magnesium.

In between I drank about 2-3 liters herb thee and water with Bach Remedies. That’s one of the reasons as well not to want to go internally to do a detox; Back Remedies are herbal medicine that influence mental stuff and I think manage energy levels of all kinds. But they are conserved in alcohol. AA minded people would want me to loose them but they have actually helped me get healthy and happy in a lot of situations. I do 10 drops in 1,5 liter water, pour half a glass and then dilute this with water. If I do taste the alcohol I water it down. For me they are not in the drink area, they are in the medicine area. But you’ll be the first to know if I got it wrong.

And here I am. At the other end of a 3 days detox. Ghegheghe, did not lose weight, but that will not surprise you. Actually I gained 1,5 kilo in the first day. I guess the retaining water has to do with not getting the usual diuretic (booze). Think it does not have to do with the salt. Salt is bad for the blood pressure and heart but I think to notice that the Celtic salt does not influence me that much. It is the table salt that has only the Sodium Chloride that throws the body out of balance. But yes, I am still waiting for national pee day; the day that I go to the toilet more than I drink water or tea. Also, I went to bed when I wanted and did what I wanted and made sure I was absolutely glad that I had stopped drinking. That seems like an important part of it.

They say it takes 3 days for the last alcohol to be out of your body. And then there is another 10 day mark or so and then, with training the brain, it will take another 4 months before the path of drink think is removed from the brain as a reward system.

My head is tired. Wrote for 3 hours. Tired. Don’t want to stop, feel like I need to get stuff out there. See, there’s a trap. I need to write for myself, but if I do that for myself only then I feel alone. But if I write for other people I have the fear that I look crazy when I would write down the funny stuff. Then again, I feel that a lot of learning has to be done there were the funny stuff starts. Like that I’ve not had a shower since I stopped. It feels that if I would relax under the shower I would wash off the determination. Major Trap. It probably means that the ‘relaxation’ and ‘peace’ that I feel is actually something that I force upon myself. WHAAAAA! Ooooh! I let it go for a second, now I know why I hang on to the determination and am out here blogging the hell out of me. Ghegheghe. I hang on to the determination because if I don’t there’s an empty world with nothing out there. Major Not Knowing. Infinity is sooooo big. Finally crying.

Going to lay down now, taking care of me also needs to be done when I want to do something else.

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One thought on “In a ‘YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!’ kind of way.

  1. I think I know what you mean about the trap of looking inwards to examine what’s going on, but then feeling alone because of it. There is a fine line (yet they also seem polar opposites) between the happy to be sober, and just being sober side of things, and the awareness that something, some sort of serious work needs to be done on the inside.
    It’s bloody hard work… Like someone said, can’t remember who, on a blog, alcohol and depression both want to get you in a room on your own where they can do their worst, because it’s just you and your own thoughts. But it feels as though we (I) need to go there at some point, to find the answers and heal.
    Oh, the confusion! Xx

    Like

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