Day 3 has almost come to an end, time to go to bed. Not happy about day 3 anymore because it starts to feel normal, getting bored with paying attention. Trap noted. Feel like I need to fill in my life again. That’s too soon. Trap 2 noted.
Last Sunday, the last day of drinking I closed myself of from the outside world, read the last chapters from Jason, then drank like crazy while saying goodbye to every gulp. In the end, no, half way through the booze tasted awful and I imagined it made me sick, just like it did when I was a child. That is how I need to remember it.
Now, whenever there is drink think, I call up the big internal NO and after I organised myself again, chuck out the drink think, I follow with projecting the nausea. I like to take it a little further and condemn alcohol. Being just a tiny little angry helps me organise my thoughts and close the gate, stop unwanted drink think. And in my head I am already big time angry with those that offer me a drink while I have said no. Trap somewhere.
During the time that I planned to stop I read up on alcohol and addiction because I know from quitting smoking that it is easier to take in information when you are / I am not stressed about ‘having to stop’. So I have this document were I gathered all kinds of info on alcohol and addiction and food. I also made a list of character issues that I feel I need to change in order to not fall into the booze trap again. One of these is the getting bored easily. I call myself a stress junky.
Can’t just exist in the quiet, things need to be special, normal is not good enough. I believe that is a mindset that leads straight to addiction, always wanting to celebrate. Don’t know how to tackle it. Guess learning to be silent, and be with what is will help. Tomorrow I will sit still, trying to only breathe and see what happens.
And I will try to keep one subject in the texts. No, I will not, I need to write this to get stuff out of my system. No, that is not polite, can’t just go dumping stuff if I want people to listen I can’t just dump. Is this a diary, a blog or an attempt to repair myself? Overdrive. Trap. Need to sleep.
Last minute insight: peace is no peace if I am afraid to loose it. I will loose my peace when I continue to live in the world. Just need to take it slowly to train my sober muscle.